Cereal Cism

July 31, 2012

What were our Cereal mascots telling us? What was going on back in the day? What were they on?
Looking back, I’ve seen some questionable things about the characters that companies chose to peddle their sugary breakfast snacks to us kids

The Trix Bunny

I’m thinking the Trix Rabbit is on LSD he’s always hallucinating these fruit flavors in the air and stays fending for trix
He’d do anything for a quick fix
He has no muscle though, he’s so hopped on that lysergide that little kids can snatch it from him and eat HIS cereal in front of him and he won’t do anything about it
… What a wuss

Tony the Tiger

Me thinks Tony the Tiger is on Performance enhancers TGH (Tiger Growth Hormone), clearly in roid rage and he’s pedaling this to kids
Look, I know you suck at baseball … take these and you’ll hit homeruns!
The Rage, hey look all I asked was Tone, are the flakes good? He’s wilding out “THEY’RE GREAT!!!!” he starts breaking the table and chewing the ceramic bowls
… plus who wants an enraged Tiger around their kids!? Juice Head.

Cap’n Crunch

Horatio is a dirty old man … first of all “Horatio Magellan” look. He’s been out on the boat and sailing the seas all alone, he docks and hangs out with these kids
Telling them stories about his adventures and how lonely he’s been … he’s spent his time cooking up tasty treats for children
Then to make sure they keep coming back he keeps coming up with NEW FLAVORS
…. I don’t know if he’s ever exposed his “Crunch Berries” to these kids and I do NOT want to know why the roofs of those kids’ mouths are so raw


Count Chocula

The Count was a creep lol … A Stalker … see the Count would just show up … he’d be hiding behind his cape and he would beg kids to try his cereal, not try and keep kids from it
AND he always played to the camera like “Yeah look what I’m doin” … it’s like he’d be up in his castle with binoculars waiting on kids to ask for breakfast and just show up
.. prolly up in that window gettin his Chocs off



Eventually Frank will come out of the closet … maybe Ellen can interview him, I can’t believe TMZ doesn’t have any incriminating pics of him or any of his exploits with NPH hasn’t leaked
Being a monster is scary enough but a Giant Monster dressed in all pink, reeking of Strawberries with a raging cereal spoon is downright frightening!
… He has chains and shackles too right? yeahhhhhh.

Boo Berry

I’m not saying Boo Berry is a KT (Kid Toucher) lol Alls I’m saying is that voice + that hat + those eyes + the fact he’s a ghost and technically you wouldn’t feel it just sayin
… and he can sneak in and out of rooms undetected. Just sayin there is a reason that cereal was off the shelves for years, he was locked up!

Sonny the CuckCoo

Clearly a coke addict
He plans everything around Coo Coo Puffs, he even admited that he’s coo coo for them! He lost his job, he needs it to function
He doesn’t have any friends or family all he does is go around and break in to houses for summa dem puffs!
The Mood Swings, Restlessness, and (from what I understand Lack of sexual appetite) the bird needs help


Super Bear

Sugar Bear had hoes.
There’s next to no way Super Sugar Bear wasn’t a pimp … he was the original Ted just smooooother
Had the smooth walk, the smooth voice, I can hear him saying “Is Sugar Bear gon have to choke a bitch?” … I mean his name is SUGAR BEAR! You’ve seen the Mack and Super Fly, He’s been staring in Bearxploitation films all this time!


Snap Crackle and Pop

You pretty much know that these three are stoners … so much Krispie Kush in the Bong
They come from Hippies … the names are Crackle, Pop, and Snap!
Crackle is obviously the laziest, he’s always wearing a stipped sleeping/stocking cap … Pop is eccentric (and Bi) with that military hat … and obviously Snap is the one growing the Krisp Kush; chef’s hat Mr. Wake and bake!
PLUS they are Gnomes! Greenery puffin Gnomes!


Lucky the Leprechaun

I’ve watched Breaking Bad and I know a Meth head when I see one … Lucky is on that Green Glass!
Paranoid … thinks people are after him and his Frosted Rizz … that Lucky Crank … he even has Meth Mouth!
There’s no pot of gold there’s his lab that he think the kids and the feds are trying to follow him and see where he cookis (in his Lucky undies)
I can hear him now saying “Marshmallows Bitch!”


Toucan Sam

Toucan Sam is a Bougie and Elitist bird … he only wants people to eat his cereal because he thinks it’s better than everyone else’s
Takes you on a safari through jungles and temple of doom like journeys to get to it … nose all up in the air, and what’s with that accent?
It’s fake! Chump! I think he’s in Witness relocation


Honey Bee

On Speed … speed freak, speed demon
Always talking fast, wings are a flutter, he tries to jive his way and con people into trying his basic ass cereal … he is the hardest selling of all the mascots
He needs to feed that habit
Unusually strong, he picks up the box and flies it to the table … where that strength come from Honey Bee? From that dust!

Remember When Hulk Hogan had a intervention to try and get The Bee off that smack


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  • http://www.underscoopfire.com Corey Chapman (@chapmanrunner)

    this may be the FUNNIEST blog you have ever published! I was laughing from start to finish. You know Lucky is on the green glass! Great work e!

  • Mountairy1979

    I love toucan sam. Froot Loops is my favorite cereal of all times. Good blog post.

  • https://twitter.com/#!/Count_Marzo Count Marzo

    Absolutely HILARIOUS post here! I also lol’d from beginning to end. Exactly my kinda humor! Ranks up there with the Super Mario episode of the #EDP! 😉

  • HowardtheDeck

    still LMAO at #ToCrunchAPredator. GREAT post. YOu are the best cereal mascot expose reporter since… nobody. You own it!

  • msdailey

    This was really good! Great story telling and pics and videos to back it up. Now I know you have all kinds of food issues, do you have a favorite ceareal?

    One you left out would be Fruity Pebbles, bam bam, etc.

  • http://www.shesoflyy.wordpress.com Muze


  • http://www.shezcrafti.com ShezCrafti

    Cinnamon Toast Crunch, motherfuckers!!

    I lol’d. Epic post! Just glad you didn’t ruin my aforementioned favorite cereal…yet.

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