Horatio Magellan: The Crunch Files

July 26, 2012

Horatio Magellan Crunch made a lot of money in his day … peddlin that crunch to all the kids on my block
Had that Quaker Oats goodness … there were/are a ton of flavors I found people never heard of so I’d bring them up and people would look at me like I was crazy (not saying I’m not but …)
I’ve won bets on the “That doesn’t exist” lol Sooooooo…. A Blog post dedicated to Capon Crunch? Why not? lol

Let’s Crunch Off!

Captain Crunch

The OG Crunch, the mouth roof killa! Golden square oats and corn nom noms! 1963’s finest!

Peanut Butter Crunch

Peanut Butter infused crunch and shouts to Smedley the elephant

Crunch Berries

The Crunch berries (The Best) version of Captain Crunch … we don’t know what they are made of we just like them … and instead of Smedley, they came with the Crunch Berry Beast!

Oops All Berries

100% All Crunch Berries everything … when this came out we lost our minds, then they took it away for a while; it was The McRib of breakfast cereal

Home Run Crunch

Capon Crunch kinda jumped the shark with these … they added marshmallows!? You don’t add the mallows to the Cap! But they were mitts, bats, and balls and Crunch berry flavor

Triple Crunch

Triple Crunch was the exclusive 3 pack in one box, it was OG, Peanut Butter and Crunch Berries … kinda dope if you were poor

Air Heads Berries

They made Capon Crunch Airhead candy flavors … why? No clue but this happened.

Neutron Crunch

Again Capon crunch sold out … this time to long head Jimmy Neutron and made some blue dog and green rocket berries, losers bought that cereal lol

Touchdown Crunch

Well its football and at least they didn’t add Marshmallows lol Football shaped Capon crunch pieces

Oops Choco Donuts

I don’t know how much Oops it was what did chocolate donuts have to do with making cap’n crunch? What kinda mistake happened here? lol Chocolate holes basically

Swirled Berries

Purple and Red swirled mixed berries Crunch Berry cereal … they tried to step it up

Cinnamon Crunch

NOW they were talkin with Cinnamon Crunch son! It was supposed to be like Capon Crunch meets Cinnamon toast … and introduced Jean LaFoote the pirate

Not to be confused with …

Cinnamon Roll Crunch

Look, Cinnamon is my favorite flavor so I’m all in when something like this pops off … keep them berries son! gimme Cinnyman!

Punch Crunch

Fruit Punch flavored Capon son! Introduced Harry S Hippo … also introduced your milk to turning pink lol

Sea Creature Berries

Nothing to it except you Milk turns Blue … yay? NO! Who wants Smurfy milk Cap?

Smashed Berries

It was crunch berries again but THIS time … Kids smashed them so you could fit more in your big fat mouth LOL Gooooo Obesity!

Soccer Crunch

Basically World Cup Crunch …and soccer Hex berries Boooo The Cap was such a shill

Crunch Treasures

Now this was basically, “Diet Crunch” 1/2 the sugar as regular Capon … stupid parents wanting their stupid kids to not be fat and teased at school, we woulda found other reasons!

Chocolatey Crunch

Kinda dope … Cocoa Crunch for the most part … it’s like Cocoa Pebbles without The Auto-Sog lol

Polar Crunch

This was Awful Crunch lol Number one it turned your milk blue … number two it tasted like Smurf Berry Crunch the WORST cereal ever!
… what was cool was you were to sprinkle this dust on the cereal and it would dissolve the blue and reveal different color cereal pieces

Choco Crunch

Now this was basically Capon Crunch with Coco Puffs poured in … They knew we were mixing cereals back in the day and tried to sell us a dream

Vanilly Crunch

Basically Vanilla Coco Puffs? Introduced (and created by) Seadog lol It was sposed to taste like Birthday Cake … Birfyday Cake Crunch son!

Volcano Crunch

Now I don’t know what they were thinking here … they made puffed Capon Crunch added Crunch Berries THEN gave us Pop Rocks to put in … Milk!?

Chocolatey Peanut Butter Crunch

For all intents and purposes this was Reese Cup Crunch, great idea … but damnit Cap what happened to original recipe!?

Treasure Hunt Crunch

This had damn Sharks in it …and red X’s for marking the spot .. And turned your milk blue (for water)

Christmas Crunch

Again the Cap is shilling … the same damn cereal cept it’s Red and Green Crunch Berries … Crunch Whore.

Cozmic Crunch

Space Dust. It came with Space Dust … you were supposed to sprinkle this tripe over your Fruity Planets and Stars .. AND your milk turns green … then sprinkle orange feh on top, WHY Cap?

Galactic Crunch

Again with the Marshmallows Cap? “Space Marshmallows” … oooh. boooo.

Halloween Crunch

Again Horatio is making our Milk Green? What is the infatuation with having us drink snot? Green Ghosts … ugh.

Mystery Crunch

THESE were dope! Remember when Cap disappeared from the boxes? They would have his outline with??Question Marks?? lol .. They came with a decoder to help find him
He was gone for like a year of cereal boxes … this was again fruity and they gave you more pop rocks tho … maybe he disappeared for grossing kids out
Crunch Hansen caught him … To Crunch a Predator … why don’t you have a bowl right there.

Worst is … that’s not all of them! lol

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  • http://coldslitherpodcast.com Classick Material

    LOL “Crunch Hansen” indeed!

    Why don’t you have a seat over there in that bowl of milk?

  • HowardtheDeckh

    To crunch a predator!

    Selling us a dream!

    Kinda dope if you were poor!

    All lol and all true

  • msdailey

    Haahahahaa hilarious!! Are you kidding me?? The marketing team for Crunch was/is insane!!

  • http://coldslitherpodcast.com Classick Material

    Did you know there was a limited edition Superman crunch? Based on the widely panned “Superman Returns” movie, this sucker had red Superman insignias which probably dyed your milk to look like beet juice!

  • Pingback: Part of a Pop Culture-Balanced Limited Edition Breakfast | Cold Slither Podcast()

  • Christopher Jesus

    Wikipedia claim that in the current crunchberries cereal that all the berries taste the same regardless of color. This is a bold faced lie. The red ones still taste the same as always , however the other colors(introduced in 2002) all taste the same as each other. Im a huge cereal killer and as far as Im concerned cruchberries is much to sweet now with all the crappy blues, purples and greens. I want my old school crunchberries back.

    • eclectik

      Agreed! The OG Crunch Berries were the perfect balance and delicious, Thank you for stopping to comment

  • Stephanie

    I vaguely remember in 2002 you had an option to vote for the next color crunch berry, with green winning. What were the other choices? I seem to remember a pink berry was offered, maybe.

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