I Love GI Joe, and one of the greatest thing about the figures were the File Cards … this was unheard of for toys ever period, Action figures with bios … social security numbers, code names, real names, backgrounds! you’d cut them out and have a mini Rolodex of all of your figures … it was great
Looking back there was some hilarious bios in the file cards, at the time as a kid it didnt really hit me, but now, there’s some wait what now? in these file cards, so without further ado I compiled some of my favorite head scratchers or funny quotes …
1. Spirit
Charlie Iron-Knife
No that name isn’t racist at all … I’m sure that was his name from the reservation
The WTF: “Spirit comes from a family so far below the poverty line that they never realized they were poor”
That’s good to know in a man’s dossier… or this is good Intel for the general when we transfer him?
… Hey we got Intel on the Joe with the pigtails, he’s dumb and didn’t know he was poor … we can use this to our advantage?
How poor is that?! So in New Mexico they never saw anyone with, I don’t know … SHOES they didn’t realize “Hey, they are enjoying water and food …” how do you NOT realize you’re poor?
2. Blowtorch
Tim Hanrahan
At least his name wasn’t Flamey Mc Incinerator
The WTF: “Refuses to live anywhere where he can’t safely jump out of the windows”
My thinking is if it’s not on the first floor “safely” is a fluid idea … and live there, that means it’s HIS place, that should be the most fireproofiest place on the planet, it would make more since he would’ve VISIT high-rises or something
“He always sits near the exit in movie theaters”
Oh that’s good to know going into a battle … at the IMAX
3. Clutch
Lance Steinberg
Of the Asbury Steinbergs?
The WTF: “He greases his hair with motor oil, rarely shaves, and chews on the same toothpick for months”
So basically he’s walking Hep-C … with awful breath. The same toothpick for months?! Does he have a holster or a holder for it? He has a toothpick cozy next to the bed so he can pick up where he left off in the morning
The WTF: Executive Bodyguard School
LOL!!! What is that?
4. Airtight
Kurt Schnurr
Great name.
The WTF: ” Kurt was the kid who could hold his breath the longest. He was also the kid who had the largest collection of plastic dinosaurs on the block”
… ummm he was also the kid who led the district in wedgies and swirlies I’d imagine … dinosaurs, what a Schnurr.
The WTF: “It takes a mighty weird person to walk into a cloud of toxic gas strong enough to fell a mutant weight lifter cockroach ..”
What? Who is writing this? A mutant Weight lifter cockroach? Don The Cock Muroacho? Teenage Mutant Ghetto Roaches?
I want to know who is in Joe Personnel who sat down with Kurt, heard this story and thought
1. Yes this guy is sane
2. Sure let’s give him a rifle
5. Barbecue
Gabriel Kelly
Look, we already know his dealings with the Window Viper … clearly he’s a genius
The WTF: “He can open bottles with his teeth, pick up quarters with his ears, and wrap his lips completely around the bottom of a quart coke bottle”
Wait. Huh? What?!
Bottles with his teeth … dumb but okay.
Pick up Quarters with his ears? How does one acquire this skill? Who brags about it, and what kind of Pyramid of darkness satellite dish ears must a man have to do this
but no …
Wrap his lips completely around the bottom of a quart coke bottle?!?! So… nobody is asking, and I don’t think Gabe needs to tell, this kind of “talent” around a Pit of sweaty men (some who grease their hair with motor oil) probably find this skill appealing
… Not to mention the movie he made in the late 70’s “My Mouth is on Fire” is probably been passed around on VHS
6. Croc Master
Cobra Reptile Trainer? They needed him yes. but …
The WTF: “Croc Master, a former alligator wrestler and burglar alarm salesmen”
You know, that just goes together. I mean there WAS a car alarm in the 80s called “Viper”
Think he actually sold alligators as burglar deterrents?
Whew after a long day at ADT … nothing says relaxing like wrestling an alligator?
7. Dee Jay
Thomas Rossi
Let me guess he’s black …
Of course! White DJ’s leave the double “ee”s out (Connor, Tanner)
The WTF: Dee-Jay was the baddest, hottest. Disc jockey in Boston”
Wait. And then he traded it in for a laser rifle? And our Government was okay with this?
You know, I’m not going to spin Scritti Politti all my life, I want to go and kill people … lemme go sign up with secret special forces
… I mean was he DJ’ing a local Joe Tryout? How did he get in here?
8. Dr. Mindbender
The fashion maven.
The WTF: “Dr. Mindbender was at one time an excellent orthodontist and a very kind and honest man”
1. I’ve had my teeth cleaned before and not only are these guys sadistic, they usually don’t perform procedures shirtless with metal suspenders
2. Kind and Honest man … as opposed to “Mr. Lewis, ummm we’re going to have to pull all of your teeth out … with these pliers, because it’s Tooth Tuesday”
I dunno I’d be leery about getting a root canal from a guy with a monocle and a cod piece … call me crazy
9. Raptor
seriously.
He’s the Cobra Falconer … that’s WTF as-is.
The WTF: “Raptor was a yuppie tax consultant who took up falconry as a pastime”
This makes total sense … Muffy, after we finish playing squash at the club I’m going to go play with falcons…. grab my feathers and beak from the BMW
The WTF: “Even if he dresses up in that bird suit of his and spends most of his time in a giant bird cage”
Now this is in fetish territory … what is he and Muffy up to in that cage? He probably flies around and drops deuces on Joes Vehicles … is that where “Awe Striker” came from? … come out and look Awwwwwe
10. Road Pig
Donald DeLuca
My Hero
The WTF: Arrest Record usury, felony spitting, passing stopped school busses at high speeds
LOL!!! My kinda guy! I always hated that red stop sign on the side of busses that extends out meaning I have to wait for slow seth to cross the street … when I was little there was none of that, we played human frogger! So yeah … high speeds Road Pig! Peel out!
Felony spitting though! LMAOOOOOOO!
This is golden!
The WTF: “He was expelled from Kindergarten for milk money extortion”
YES! How else are you to afford a nice iced Honey bun?!
Special consideration …
CrazyLegs
David Thomas
Real American Breakdancer?
…not to be confused with Footloose
The WTF: Crazylegs could have been the greatest organist in the world if his fingers hadn’t been too short”
Couldn’t play with his organ well because of nubby fingers? I’m sure he did just fine.
Scoop
UnderJoeFire (hashtag)
The WTF: It takes a special kind of guy to step out from behind cover during a firefight and keep his finger squeezing the trigger – of his videocam!”
Why does his Videocam have a trigger? What kinda semi auto rapid-fire beta max is he filming and WHY is he there?
Hey lets watch that movie when Duke got stabbed with those snakes … slow mo that, hey scoop! Can I get a copy for my MiMa?
… When his battery goes out or if I dunno a laser fries his damn camera, he does what then … pulls out a pad and pencil and start sketching?
