Tales From the Cube: Strictly Business

June 15, 2012

“I knew I was the man with the master plan
To make you wiggle and jiggle, like gelatin

Just think while I sink, into the brain structure
(dont sleep on the e) you see, somethin might rupture

It dont take time for me to blow your mind”

You know what annoys me at work?
…k lemme tell you.

Passive Aggressiveness

Look, you aint gon talk to me any old way…using Jedi mind tricks and be sarcastic on the fly…you know what? I DONT want to be a team player…I guess I’m not then
…so YOU are going to have to do it…. ass.

People that cannot dress

What happens when people get a career (Dunno about jobs) but whatever, do people for get what colors go?
You need a color wheel in this piece!?

Black shirt…black pants…brown shoes?
White stockings with sandals?
All wrinkled up and disheveled

Coming to work lookin like they rolled around in static cling and jumped into Jo-Ann’s fabric’s throw away pile.

Office Fitness program

I don’t know what goes on; alls I’m sayin is people get hired and over time they start to get real cheese on Ritz
…they sit and spread

The slimmest chicks will get a desk job, sit and get wide…it’s like the “freshman 15” I spose; but people get wide at work
They need to do some paperclip lifts or some high impact stapling…some shit

Birthday cakes

OH! The Fn Birthday cakes
#1 Don’t nobody care it’s yo stupid birthday…we don’t like you
#2 I aint eatin around you ass clowns
#3 So after everyone hovers over the cake with their gamey ass filthy hands and fat faces…with their hot ass breathe on it and carrying on
I’M supposed to want a slice?

…AND it sits in the kitchen UN COVERED for the whole day…I’ve even seen it over night and the next day someone will come in and cop a slice
I’m like you just KNOW the cleaning people put their dick in it

Boring meetings

“Let’s have a meeting on that”
Don’t send me no outlook reminders…I don’t wanna go
All that happens is I’ma sit there, and some jerk face is going to tell me about everything they want to happen
And recap some shit we already know
…then we go; send me the cliff notes on that piece.
Dumb ass receptionist…saying just the name

UGH! I’m chillin right? Right…then my phone goes…and they call me on speaker I’m all like yes and they just say the name of someone!

Them: eclectik?
Me: Yes
Them: Corey Johnson *click*

I’m like what? Who the fuk is Corey? Bitch we playin password? $100,000 Pyramid?
Give me another clue! OH he’s on my line?
THEN fuk say so lazy ass

Always speaking/cannot pass by the cubicle

Of course you can tell I’m the most pleasant guy like ever…and oh so nice (not O’so krispy)
But damnit…just because my door is open, or you walk by doesn’t mean you have to speak or acknowledge me
Damn…walk walk walk “HEY!” hey ass. OR when you’re in a cube…they walk by and tap/knock on it
…I’ve already discussed the announcing what you’re eating thing: “Looks like somebody got some Subway” Looks like Ima slap you cross the chops with some rye

That’s usually “The guy that cannot leave”…gotta get up fake like I’m going somewhere…alladasuddin I have to use the restroom

Going to lunch together…hate them…taking forever

They all like: “Hey we’re going to XYZ want something?” Yes…bring me back some stuffnstuff
TWO hours later, here they come with a cold ass bag…and I’m either not hungry by then or don’t want it OR gotta think…hmmm what if they did something to the food?
I can’t trust these ass munches

The WORST is the people that complain but do nothing about it

“I can’t believe they…” “This is bull that they…” “I’ma have to go cuz…”

You aint doin shit…then quit….bye
Go tell them

Then shut yo filthy trap ….shrew.
Now…back to work.

“At my point of attack I soar at you like an eagle
Im the sheriff, and bitin is illegal
So when Im in town, I highly recommend this
You gots to chill, because Im strictly business”

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  • http://www.underscoopfire.com Corey Chapman (@chapmanrunner)

    Corey Johnson? Come on! At least use a cool name like Chapman!

  • coako


  • http://coldslitherpodcast.com Classick Material

    Guess we know who won’t be invited to the Johnson family reunion this summer!

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