Office Restroom Chronicles I: (Deuces)

February 16, 2012

I typically say things that no one says…so why not blog about something that no one blogs about?
I’ve had conversations (yes about poo) and people have amazed me…I cannot believe some of the things I’ve seen and heard like

Talking on the phone

At work I’ll like go to the little boys room and hear a full blown convo out of nowhere…people are sitting on the bowl conducting business (While conducting business)
Who does that? I remember one time I was at the urinal right; and to the right of the urinal is a stall so ass clown was in there on the phone
While as Riley would say “shootin a duce” he drops his phone right it rolls over to where I was standing at the urinal…I took my foot and nudged it back over under the stall LOL
He picked it up on the “oh okay, I’m back…blah blah blah”

Weird thing about work…Personally I NEVER want to numero dos at work…SOMETIMES you have to but here’s my thing
I’m different from my lighter co-workers IF I ever have to go I NEVER want anyone to KNOW I went
You know…

Hit a Different floor/restroom than everyone else

If you work in a big office…try using the restroom on a different floor you can funk it allup like “KABOOM guess who stepped in the room!”
Those people don’t know you lol

Don’t let them see you

If you’re in the stall doin it and someone walks in you gotta fake like you’re still goin till they leave so they don’t see you walk out.
…you NEVER want anyone to see you walk out
(See ladies have it better cuz no matter what you have to go in a stall)

Well … MOST

Weird thing is my obviously challenged folk at work…just walks in say “hey how are you” go right into the stall and drops mad loads son
Complete with bloops and grunts…I’m like “Hey I know that’s you!” ewwwww

Or when they are done they just walk right on out and go to washing their hands…and talk to me like “Hey”
I’m like yick-blah-foo, you were just in there blowing it up like Chernobyl and you’re pretending it’s nothing.
Be embarrassed fukfayce

Not washing hands/washing hands

The worst is when people think you’re not paying any attention and they don’t wash their hands…nasty asses


That’s another thing they do…Hold conversations with you while they are ploopin and ploopin about the stall
I’d be washing my hands someone would walk in like “Hey blah blah blah” I’m all like “Yeah…cuz..” thinkin they are gonna hit the urinal (Cuz that’s acceptable to talk during the stand up game)
But then they open and close the stall you hear belt unbuckle and pants drop and they are still talkin I’m like ewwww shut up!
Shit and shut it!


And then sometimes they will have a convo with someone in the stall next to them!?! How you gon tandem shit and shoot the shit?
Like: “Yeah such and such called” *WHARMP-Bloop* …”Oh really? *Grunt splat* So did they have the stuff?”  …”Yeaaahhhh-ahhhhh, they did”
That’s just icky poo (literally)

The fake out

You know what I’ve been known to do (Because I’m a weirdo) if I HAD to go and duce it up I’d do it right? and when I’m done I’d you know do everything I gotta do
Leave the stall THEN go to the urinal and flush it…then go to wash my hands…why?

JUST incase someone walks in it looks like I went to the urinal and I was walkin back from that lol
…so extra I know.

Being like “Yeah I dunno WHO blew it up…”

Okay the REAL reason I’m doing this post (Besides being weird and thinking this ish) I HEARD that people do some stuff I consider unheard of…

Wiping while sitting down

You people really do that? Just lift up a cheek-wipe and drop? Seriously?
C’mon you have to inspect the situation! How do you know when you’re done? do you have a predetermined # of wipes and then you flush and go?
That’s just nasty? You HAVE to look at the paper!
…otherwise there’s a bunch caked up itchy asses goin round.

I have to get up…which brings me to…

Not lookin at your “accomplishment”

Who doesn’t look at it? Aren’t you curious to what came out?
You HAVE to look right!?
…I do, yall weird.
I have to have Baby Wipes at home…I hate buying them…what if the cashier is extra hot or there’s a fine piece of ass in the grocery store?
NOW they think I have a child…when in all actuality I just have nice pristine hind-quarters (I like the Chamomile ones…then shea butter)

But How do you not use baby wipes? you can’t get up in there with regular hard paper…you have to have both…the wipes to start and then the paper battin clean up

Why is it acceptable to read while you driggiddy drop?

Does anyone sing or rap?

With everything I typed though….is anything nastier than someone EATING while they do it?
…Plate all on their lap LOL
I’ve never seen/heard of anyone doing it…but that’s a nasty thought and funny visual.

I know what you’re thinkin…”This Blog aint about shit” …yes hun!

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  • ListenToLeon

    Funny stuff! It’s an unwritten rule at my office that if you have to do #2, go downstairs to the 8th floor and stank up their bathroom instead of ours!

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